31 October 2006

*grin from ear to ear - I wish you could see it*

hahahaha, I bet you see an email from me now and you think 'noooooooooooo, not another epic tale of woe!'

*phft* this is a BRILLIANT email! :) I was just looking back over these emails and while you might be a little puzzled over the other side of the world, I am so glad you inspire me to write them because they are a BRILLIANT record of something that is usually such a hard thing to record - falling in love again after four years.

Why am I in such a good mood? I just got a GIGANTIC email from him, written at 1.15am this morning, from his private email account to my private email account. It was colloquial and chatty and I am really, really relaxed now because I don't have to worry about what he wants and if we will see each other after uni, because we will now.

The thing about him is that we have SO much to talk about it is like it explodes out of us whenever we are around each other. And although I reign myself in in my emails, he has just let himself off the leash. He and I will be so fine.

Yesterday, challenging as the situation seemed before I saw him, turned out in the most amazingly good way possible. It still freaks me out that in the last two weeks everyone does exactly as I expect, and says exactly what I want.

All I wanted to have happen yesterday was to hear him say 'I hope this does not make you think less of me.'

And he did. Those exact words. In front of three of my workmates and one of his classmates - the largest audience we have ever had for one of our very personal conversations.

As soon as he said it my heart was still - his immediate thought was not to defend himself or make excuses, it was what I thought of him. And that is all I wanted.

It occurred to me as I walked to work yesterday, in a zombie-like daze of disappointment in his behaviour and dread at finding out he really was an asshole, that I was living my own very special Pride and Prejudice.

THIS was when Lizzie and Darcy met at Lady De Burgh's the first time, stories coming to a head, families meet, things clarified. And it has turned out as well as that episode did, he has written me a letter to apologise (third apology to date) and has mentioned in each paragraph how well the two of us get along and how much we have to talk about. He talked about how much he liked Romeo, how he is embarrassed that his debut at the Bell table was not a good one, how much I would like the conversation around his family dinner table.

Oh yes, we will be so fine. I will be so fine. We will be so fine, even if his attraction to me is not enough to ask me out, his mind is, in the end, what I really require. I have done the unrequited lust thing, I can handle it. It is losing such a complementary mind that would kill me. And I don't think I will.

It is a stunning morning at the moment, made all the better because something that has obsessed me for too long has been resolved for me and I can concentrate now on doing my essay and being productive at work.

Ah, and there is another important factor as to why I am feeling so calm.

The political situation at work is being mediated by the Faculty, and I was asked to be the first person the mediator talked to, nominated by the Head of School because I was 'fresh eyes'. The mediator was very, very complimentary of my framing of the problems, my suggestions for solving the problems, my assessment of the situation. She told me I would make a good lawyer, a good diplomat, that I would make an exceptional historian.

But it was at the end, as we parted that she told me 'you are ethical and intrinsically fair in the workplace, and that is too rare.' No matter what kind of mess I make in my personal life, and we both know that I make a right mess sometimes, I am so goddamn GLAD that I make the grade in the 'adult' world. I am so glad I stuck to my ethical guns, especially with the way I have handled this new job and the situation with him. I am glad I can control my indulgent and selfish feelings in some part of my life, I hope now I can bring this over to my personal life. I feel much better, I can tell you.

Joey, I hope you are still having an amazing time, that the sights and sounds are giving you pleasure beyond measure, that your stomach is fine and that you will be happy to come home. How much we shall have to talk about! How much we do not have to conceal *grin*