Friday 12 November
I went to another Avanti party at which many things happened:
- the English architects finally cracked out of their shells and beamed when they saw me. They are such funny creatures
- I acquired more bad dancing Germans to go out clubbing with
- Teddy was left in doubt as to my intentions and I left him at the end of the night with no satisfaction but a certain glazed look on his face that may have been caused by thoughts of sex. Sometimes I am as subtle as a train wreck and it WORKS! :)
Saturday 13 November
I was at one of the most famous clubs in London, Tiger Tiger, for Tom's birthday bash;
I put on layers and layers of Elizabeth Arden makeup and looked rather foxy. M and M were so impressed they got out the camera to capture the amazing transformation. When I got to Tiger Tiger I went hoarse from growling "Move the FUCK along, mate" to the men that glanced at me and decided I was too pretty to let go past. I hate meat markets! Tiger Tiger was vast and an impressive pickup joint but I am just too old for that kind of stuff. Tom and I stumbled out the door at 2am and Sister and Wifey had just arrived to start their night. So Tom went home and us three hung out in Leicester Square – Sister and Wifey eating hamburgers and me fending off a group of remarkably determined Indian boys.
*Max, Sister and Wifey in line for a hamburger*
*Group of Indian guys spot Max*
1st Boy: Hi, I'm Sexy, what's your name?
Max: Sheila
2nd Boy: Hi Sheila, I'm Dead Sexy.
*Sheila, Sister and Wifey walk outside*
*Sexy and Dead Sexy follow (btw these names are the ones they gave themselves, no relation to their actual looks)*
Sexy: Sheila, will you go out with me?
Sheila: No
Dead Sexy: Girls, why won't she go out with Sexy? Who are you girls anyway?
Sister: Sara
Wifey: Matthew
*Sexy and Dead Sexy do not bat an eyelid. They continue bantering, I continue to refuse my admirers*
*Sexy Beast and Scrooge, their friends, arrive. Scrooge has a comb-over. Sexy Beast is damn fine*
*Sheila, Sara and Matthew perk up at Sexy Beast's arrival*
*Sexy renews his attentions to Sheila*
Sexy: Can I have your number?
Sheila: No
Sexy: Can I give you my number?
Sheila: No.
*repeat many more times and rinse*
Sheila (after about 20 minutes of being a complete bitch): Well, guys, we have to go. Thanks for the entertainment.
*Sheila shakes hands with Sexy and Sexy Beast*
Sexy: PLEASE TAKE MY NUMBER!
Sheila: No
Sexy Beast (smiling confidently and smoothly as he leans down from his broad-shouldered height and flashes bright green eyes with lush black lashes): So, can *I* have your number.
*Sheila is tempted but feels the satisfaction of refusing will outweigh the potential pleasure of being caught*
Sheila: Nup.
Great night :)
THEN we were entertained by a group of very pretty but excessively drunk Spanish boys who decided that I had beer in my bag that I had to share immediately.
Right then boys. We ran away :)
I went to the Natural History Museum to watch a young, nerdy but rather hot Fish Curator with lovely hands talk about fishy stuff, saw the very awesome Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition complete with action shot of a baby penguin pooing (gotta love that penguin fixation – photo available on application to your correspondent) and finished off the day with 8 friends in an empty cinema to watch our own private viewing of a film on the Iraqi war.
Monday 15 November
I went to the National Film Theatre to indulge in a black and white classic, The Women, with bitchiness the agenda for the film and the immortal line 'There is a name for you ladies – but it is not used in polite society outside the kennel.'
Tuesday 16 November
Wifey scored free tickets to the dress rehearsal of the English National Orchestra and so we rocked up with men in tow. The men were my darling friend Joel, whom I turned down in Year 12 to go out with *cough* Colin Barnet's son *cough*, and his mate Simon who is currently going out with Wifey since Joel and I introduced them five weeks ago during Joel's first stay in London. Joel had only got in from Geneva two hours before so he was feeling very cosmopolitan. The opera itself was in English, was spectacularly staged and really, REALLY raunchy! The lead female was totally naked on stage for about 20 seconds in FULL VIEW and the chorus seriously got it on with each other all over the stage at one point! It was shocking, it was titillating and it was everything I wasn't expecting from Opera! :)
Wednesday 17 November
I went down to Wimbledon to have more birthday celebrations with Tom (her real birthday) and was lucky enough to be sitting next to two young English strippers on the train who were comparing breast implant scars ...
Friday 19 November
Moss had a last-minute ticket to see Amy Winehouse at the Brixton Academy and so I got to catch her last night. For a 19-year-old who debuted to huge acclaim 12 months ago, Amy was a great show. I don't know if you guys have had any of her singles over there, but she has an amazing Jazz voice and is nowhere near as pretty as you expect most pop starlets to be. She has a huge nose, nice boobs and amazing legs – so she strutted onto the stage in a TINY sky blue baby doll dress and all the guys in the audience nearly spontaneously combusted! She was an incredibly engaging performer, combining genuine talent with the amazing ability to sing each song as if it still meant the world to her; being able to dance badly and merely make you feel that you just happened to be in her bedroom while she was singing her favourite song and dancing dorkily.
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