16 October 2006

I had the strangest thought last night. As of that first day when he looked me up and down and appropriated my body, mind and soul, I have been giving my freedom up to him in frightening amounts. And then last night it hit me – I was getting more and more subservient to the idea of achieving him, I was mentally changing my life to fit in with him, I was giving up my mental and physical autonomy. And while I am very conscious of it and I am getting quite nervous about it, I yearn for it so completely it is like a fever. Extraordinary times indeed.

As I said to Gerry on Sunday – even though I have not officially gotten to the other side, and I may be a little overconfident, I am so anticipating being there that I am there anyway and it is so strange to look back on the last three years and see the freedom and self-containment that was my life. It is like looking back from a wilderness slope, back towards rolling plains of manicured gardens and control. I feel like I have given up thinking, questioning,

MY PARENTS CONSTRUCTED AN ENTIRELY ARTIFICIAL WORLD OF ABSOLUTE CONTROL.

BUGGER.

So, what to do about this controlling tendency? I need to talk to M. Sweet jebus what is going to break me? London broke me just a little bit, then I came back here and got it all back under my thumb. This must be why it hurts so much, it is the same as all the others, but I have so little actual control over the situation, although I still try so hard to exert some.

And just then I tried to justify just giving in to my urges as pandering to my controlling urges, but what am I trying to justify here? Goddamnit this is not easy. Just thinking about giving in is making me nervous, this must be why I am such cactus – the urge to be subser … alright, see, look at the words I use, such negative connotations.

Okay, so let’s look at it this way – I am very controlling. In fact it is not very controlling, I have serious control issues. How am I going to break them? Do I have to break them? Mum and Dad are convinced that I have to change, although they are the ones who bred it into me (getting cross at the moment). I cannot control my feelings, my hopes, my desires, what he will actually do, that is making me anxious and distrustful.

Let’s look at this some more – let’s be controlling and structuralist and break it down to it’s moving parts and let’s be rational and take all the imagination out of it. Funny thing is, I break out in my writing, I dream of it being influential, but in the end I am trying not to be so controlled by trying to write in a confronting manner.

I don’t know, I just need to get the real revelation.