18 November 2010

Max is rugging up for Hogwarts tonight

Cousin's Husband: I thought we were at Hogwarts last night?! :D

Max: Oh GAWD, good call, but it was HOTwarts last night ...

Cousin's Husband: Oh nice play on words … I'm impressed! BUT … just how hot are warts really? seriously?

Max: More like if you touched one of the hot kids, you'd get warts. Whether that is normal warts or magical warts depends on the strength of the 'paedophile' spell on the kid ...

Cousin's Husband: I felt dirty just being there ... people kept asking me how I grew facial hair

Max: I kept on being mistaken for the Teacher in charge of the school outing ...

Cousin's Husband: Must have been the naughty teacher's outfit you were wearing

Max: And I do think that ONLY wearing your beard was slightly inappropriate, though that one girl liked what you had done with the ... carpet ...

18 November 2009

Max would like to have someone rubbed out before Friday

Friend: i know a guy who knows a guy who might know a guy ...

Archie: I'd like to take the rare opportunity to be the good angel sitting on your right shoulder and return the advice you've often offered me: Karma's a bitch

Max: Friend, I need to talk to him
Archie, not for me, for someone else. Also - Croquembouche on Masterchef next week! eeee!

Elbow: We are planning *clap* we, we are planning *clap* we are planning!

Friend: i’ll ask for his number ...

Elbow: Thanks friend who I don't know ... or do I? You're helping me out greatly. After this, we shall be the greatest of friends

Max: He is a god-fearing man who is obviously fine with bending certain commandments for justice. We salute you, my Friend ...

Friend: bend commandments? i thought you just needed an eraser. the guy just works at a stationery store ...

Archie: you're not trying to rub out your younger sister are you?... though I wholeheartedly agree with the general principle

Max: Actually, both Elbow and I agree that we must dispose of this person with extreme prejudice. So an eraser may just be for starters ...

Friend in London: Bargain deal for friends. Only £500. Send cheque + details by post. Delivery 1-week maximum

18 November 2009

There is a long story and a short story ...

The short story is that I did my Honours Thesis in 2007 and it killed my ability to write without referencing each sentence :(

The long story is that I only ever wrote from life, usually when it was boring. I now have a frantically exciting life and writing about it bores me because it is a pretty specific lifestyle ...

I am a theatrical agent now and I spend three nights a week in the theatre and at showbiz parties. It sounds exciting, but only for me, retelling the stories of the endless partying is a cross between bragging and name-dropping, so I don't like to do it

I am starting an exercise though to get back into writing - it will not be nearly as political as it got before my thesis, but hopefully it will warm up and be interesting

18 November 2005

No one can escape me on google …

I have had a rather entertaining P&O Ports week – I emailed my old boss Mike (CEO of the North American Operations of P&O Ports, including newly devastated New Orleans) and he got back to me in only three days! I am so chuffed that he was able to get to my email so quickly.

And then, in a completely unrelated incident, I was talking to our PR firm’s Senior Consultant and it turns out that he went to school with another one of the Jolly Hockey Sticks P&O Corporate Lawyers (although Campbell Mason, the lawyer in question, is actually Australian). I had to sit down I was so amused that one cannot escape anyone, and I have only lived in two cities in my short life and already I have cross-continental contacts. I had better keep behaving well and doing sterling jobs eh?

And last, but certainly not least, this same PR Consultant, Richard by name, paid me two compliments yesterday that are making me feel far more confident that I am on the right track. About ten minutes into his talk to Jim and I, he turned to Jim and asked why he was there as I seemed to have everything under control. THEN, later in his meeting with me, I was showing him my twelve-month forward planning, he told me he had never seen a Marketing Co-Coordinator with such a long view. I was surprised and told him I would have assumed you only got anywhere with some forward planning, but he assured me that looking ahead and integrating opportunities to maximise promotional potential was, in his experience, unique to me.

*phew* I keep on feeling confident that my ideas are good, but with no external mentorship, I have not yet had my suspicions confirmed. I sleep a little better now!

16 November 2004

Anyway, on to nicer things! All my bosses are away (hence the continuous emailing!) I am going to the movies. *max scrounges around for more happy stuff* I am alive, I am warm, I have chocolate.
I will get sleep tonight.

that's about it folks.

oooh! I have no more pressure on me to write that story! :-P

Here is a little one for the afternoon ...

Once upon a time, there was a Christmas light. This Christmas light had been lighting up Regent Street for four years, the first year as blue light, the second and third as a white light and the fourth year as a red light. As a red light, it sat in the far bottom-right corner of the first rank of lights off Oxford Circus. Each day this light did its thing and while adding to the sum total of the constellations of Regent Street, it also cheered one dour Australian girl who had never been so miserable in her entire life, seeing as she was used to being stupidly happy ALL the time and not just three times a week.

This red Christmas light is a friggin legend.

THE END

I am super super bored so I am going to tell you a juicy bit of Max gossip! :) *bet you CAN'T wait!*

anyway - my little English friend Sam (inappropriate outfit at my party and dislike of anyone getting more male attention than her etc) sent me a break-up email about the time I confronted her with the three times she stepped in to effectively 'steal' the guys that were talking to me. It was a surprisingly amusing email for a few reasons -

#1 She was afraid it would be difficult for me to read and that I would hate her for writing it. *grin* sorry dear, you lost me long before this! She thought that since I brought it up that it offended me, even though I patiently explained at the time that I just wanted her to see her actions from someone else's eyes.

#2 She 'didn't really want to tell me' but each guy, after coming up to chat me up, confided in her that they were now more attracted to her. Oh NO! And to think that I would rather chew off my own arm than even talk to some stupid, ugly drunk Englishman who thought she was attractive! *retch*

#3 She outlined my faults which were - too loud, too talkative, too judgemental and too rigid. *phew* I am so glad to see that she is documenting such numerous and debilitating defects, seeing as anything she finds pitiable, I am naturally proud of!

#4 I sent her a rather cold reply and I am rid of the last friend in London that does not share my moral code, with surprisingly little inconvenience to myself. In fact, she probably thinks she broke it off herself ...

And so that is the end of that little saga. It is really sad because when there are no men around and Sam is not the wriggling, giggling and pandering to the men in the area, she is really lovely. It is just that her moral code is practically the polar opposite of mine and I am determined not to surround myself with people with dangerous or offensive moral codes!

Pip and Sam were my experiments in trying to be friends with people that did things I object to morally and how they failed!

It is one of the reasons I absolutely treasure you and Sister and Wifey - I am not alone in being an outspoken, intelligent woman that refuses to be stupid and submissive. It is a lonely road isn't it, my dear? And not many men are strong enough to walk it!

15 November 2005

Hey Jim - I hear you have an email in the making for me ... send it through! Send it through! This is my email to you ...

The Epershand Epistle

My overheated yet undercooked thoughts for this week.

Vellum & Purple:

I am reading Terry Pratchett's 'Night Watch' and the book has me mesmerised with each page, above and beyond Pratchett's usual ability to ensorcel his reader, because the theme of this book caresses every bruise on my heart. Night Watch has our hero, Sam Vimes, now the Commander of Ankh-Morpork's Night Watch, thrown back in time to take up the role of mentor and inspiration to his younger and greener self during his first days enlisted in the Night Watch.

Pratchett is a visceral writer, his jokes are so good your appreciation rises from inside you to meet the humour streaming into your brain and the humanity of his characters is enveloping. Vimes especially is driven by a bone-deep understanding of humans and their frailties, so when you read a novel about Vimes, you find the endless permutations of your life reflected on the page.

'Night Watch' is Vimes given the chance to BE the person that shaped his younger self, to BE the person that sees all the characters of his future life moving inevitably towards the people he knows they will be. It is a bittersweet read for me because it is like I have gone back in time also, coming back to my place of two years ago and finding myself trying to unpick the impression I left behind and resew myself, as I am now, into the fabric. At first, I did this with aggressive slices and steel staples, but now I am trying to do it with little nicks and invisible silken stitches.

It is a difficult read for me also because I have stepped back into family life and been lucky, or unlucky, enough to be the new broom that has been able to sweep some nasty things out of the family closet. Each time Vimes tries to toughen up his younger self, teach him to be tougher so he can survive to become the man he is supposed to be, I think of my forceful manhandling of my parents and my siblings so they have to look at the mess they created in the last two years, trying to drag them through the eye-opening thought processes that travelling forced me into.

Once again, Pratchett has written a book that will, I suspect, mean almost too much to me.

Glockenspiel & Gallery:

I have been listening to a mix CD that Kate gave me when I left London, and particularly enjoying a song about coffee and cigarettes. The coffee shops of Perth are the only social perk that I missed in London, but now that I live in the middle of one of the nicest coffee strips in Perth, I find that coffees (well, hot chocolate for me) should be accompanied by fine conversation, and fine conversation is something I have a serious shortage of at the moment!

The learned conservation of my London friends can easily be aligned with the image of cigarettes. Cigarettes (and far-ranging topics of conversation) are discouraged or banned from most Australian clubs and pubs, are regarded as anti-social and detrimental to your (social) health, are habits that most travellers from Europe come back with and are cultivated by only the most dedicated of 'cool' people back home.

Thus I sit in a coffee shop, nursing my sinful iced-chocolate-double-ice-cream-no-ice and I wish I could share this little slice of conversation-inducing heaven with a hard-smoking Cockney Sparrow, my favourite Evangelical, or any of the other invigorating (and not necessarily chain-smoking) friends that live in the Town with No Coffee Shops.

Take & Cut:

If you haven't yet seen Elizabethtown and were intending to see it, don't. If you want to see how good the movie could have been, watch the trailer! It was trying to be Garden State, but it was scratched from the race barely 20 minutes in. It isn't even tragically bad, it is just a pretty, floppy-haired nothing, and that was just Orlando and Kirsten. There were no engaging characters AT ALL and even Susan Sarandon couldn't save the movie, though she nearly tried. No, I can't quite believe I have spent any time writing about it; I really should have stopped at the first sentence.

The only good thing about seeing the movie? The quote 'I'm going to miss your lips, and everything attached to them.' Cute, but not cute enough I'm afraid.

The movie I did enjoy was 'The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill', which was so good the theatre was sniffling and clearing their throats at the plights of parrots!

Philglass & Swigott:

I spent the last week on an incredibly indulgent run of End to End Eating Engagements, of which the majority of the dining was conducted at the superb restaurant on Cottesloe Beach, The Blue Duck. The Blue Duck is situated a mere 20m from the breaking waves and sits next to the Cottesloe Surf Club, so my three hour Saturday breakfast and my four hour Sunday lunch was spent inhaling fabulous food at not inconsiderable prices while dreamily letting my sunglasses track the bronzed bodies of the male surf lifesavers bustle around the beach in front of us.

Saturday breakfast was especially enjoyable as it was graced by genuine top totty in 'The Body', a young man who stopped the conversation of the entire balcony as he went past, and so entranced our table at the end closest to the surf club, that the lifesaver on duty started laughing at our stunned ogling. Quite embarrassing that!

Eighty & Daze:

I have an MSN friend, Jakob, a frighteningly intelligent 19-year-old Croatian who constantly humbles me with his wide-ranging world political knowledge. Our first conversation was such a success because he was able to tell me more about the treatment of Australian Aborigines than I had learnt at an Australian University.

The other day he recommended me the New Perspectives Quarterly to read, and I am here to recommend it to you … read, learn, and marvel!

http://digitalnpq.org/

And if you don't trust Jakob and I, trust the peer reviews …

http://www.blackwellpublishing.com/journal.asp?ref=0893-7850&site=1

Old & New & Borrowed & Blue:

I have always been a very lucky little girl, which meant I was always relentlessly optimistic, I had a grand total of 30 seconds depression a year and I cried maybe twice a year if I was lucky, usually at the end of a favourite book. The world just never gave me reason to cry …

The other day I discovered an endless supply of ready-to-shed bitter tears, and they appeared because I started researching what charity work my company could be involved with. I started looking at the websites of all the charities I could find and as tales of abuse followed tales of sickness followed tales of disaster, the screen started blurring as I lost control of my usually sunny emotions and I just started crying at my desk. And the tears lasted for hours and even days now as I try to continue to do the research I needed to do.

I puzzled over this strange loss of control on the part of my more light-hearted side and finally came to the conclusion that my experience of poverty, sickness and helplessness has changed drastically since I left Perth. Firstly it is the irrefutable fact that I have seen hardship and suffering close up now, from the local beggars in London to the slums of Istanbul. I have seen it with my own eyes and now when I read about problems, it is personal for me.

Even more importantly I have seen just how bloody big the world is and how difficult it is to change and stuck a million miles from anywhere in Perth I fully understand how little I can do to help things along. When you are in the centre of it you can make a decision to do small things that help immediately. When you are far away you can only do things that rarely ever show you a tangible result.

I wait ... :)

15 November 2004

dying of the cold

Morning sweetie

You know the way I sounded this morning? Well, if you looked at my soul at the moment it would look like I sounded. I am in a great black hole of boredom and tiredness, disillusionment and loneliness. It is like I have forgotten what it is like to be happy all the time. Sometimes I listen to the complaints, bitching, derogatory and cynical comments spilling out of my mouth and I swear that I am not the person I used to be and I want to scream and cry.

I just want to go home. I want to sit in sunlight on the beach, watch unbearably happy people and know that there is nothing standing between my heart and that of those that love me but warm, brown skin.

I cannot imagine how I am going to fare this winter. I am being really bolshie about doing things I love now, I refuse to mix with people that annoy me (the Fi and Kim sagas have reached their conclusions) and I am consciously trying to get that mischievous sense of enjoying everything back. But this place sucks it ALL out of me.

Why do I have to leave my heart all black and blue to keep my mind happy? I am not sure I am the sacrificial kind I think, I cannot neglect one part of my soul for the other. I am tired, I need some sunlight and I need a goddamn hug.

*grr*

14 November 2012

Max has heard from the Italians regarding cooking offal; what about the Persians and the Greeks?

Wifey: The answer is yes! We cook all sort of intestines and internal organs and -a bit more disturbingly for me- testicles!

Wifey: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magiritsa

Wifey: http://kalofagas.ca/2010/04/07/kokoretsi-κοκορέτσι/

Greek in London: Oh gosh no idea! I'm vegetarian :)

Greek in Perth: I don't do offal. I'm still of the belief that offal is awful! If anyone thinks they can change my mind, however, I am willing for that challenge. I know the Greeks like pan fried chicken liver...I think it's awful. This is as far as my knowledge on offal goes lol

Max: So glad you used the Awful Offal line. I have been waiting, waiting ...

Max and Archie would like to cook brain, tongue, heart, liver, kidneys, tripe, tail, trotters, cheek, sweetbreads and blood - who has recipes they are willing to share?

Southern Italian: Find the recipe for Nduja! Ohhhh and make Trippa Alla fiorentina....

Southern Italian: And black pudding! And trotters boiled until soft and then finished in a sticky dark sauce. And poach the tongue then slice it and grill it! SO MANY CHOICES

Moses: A pie!

Max: Southern Italian you are brilliant. I will be going to your Dad! He'd be able to get me a sheep's head right?

Southern Italian: Easily. And ask him for recipes! Or ask Uncle in the front of the shop!

Northern Italian: As a vegetarian I am horrified but as an Italian I am impressed!

I have a number of good recipes from my Nonna's cookbook … let me know if you want 'Budino di Cervella' (Brain Souffle), 'Budellini di Agnello alla Lombardia" (Lamb's intestines Lombardian style), 'Coratella di Capretto' (Baby Goat Offal, Hunter style), 'Spezzatino di Interiora' (Tripe and Sweetbread Stew) … my god there are so many tripe recipes

Northern Italian: Omg I just found a recipe using donkey meat and snails …

Northern Italian: Seriously there is not one but two different Donkey Stew recipes, WHY?!?

Max: Send them through my dear! Also, we are being environmentally friendly and using ALL of the animal that has been killed

Northern Italian: Okay I will message you *after* I finish eating my ricotta and salad dinner. Feeling a little queasy right now lol

Max: You are an amazing brave vegetarian! :-)

Northern Italian: Out of all those recipes the only one I've consumed would be 'sanguinaccio' - it was actually really nice, that was years ago though!

Max: They are amazing recipes, and thank you SO MUCH for translating them for us. The chocolate blood pudding looks incredible!

Southern Italian: omg max can you email them to me too???

Northern Italian: I'll translate more this week, seriously I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the ol' family tripe recipe collection :P

14 November 2006

TO ASH, CHE, ELBOW, GERRY, JOEY, ROBBIE, TOM

*Right* ... so, Friday is all sorted then!

I may have mentioned *cough* that I was going to the West End for drinks with family and friends this Friday night to the young man. Actually, I only wrote 'Friday, essays handed in, West End, Brother, Friends, Drinking.'

What was his reply? Which pubs he would be in on Friday, approximately what times, the NAMES of who he was going with AND he asked if he was going to have to stay out of my way because of how much of an idiot he was to Romeo.

So girls, Friday night, I think you will all most likely get to meet the young man.

Your holy mission, however, is this:

The group picks the pub - I *NEVER* get to say 'We should go' because the young man is not there.

You girls pinch me if I survey the door too much!

And when he arrives, as is inevitable he will at some point during the night, I MUST NOT STIR ONE FOOT TO MEET THE ENEMY! If you see me even *twitch* in the direction of a tall, attractive brunet that looks like all those photos you have seen, PLEASE lean over and latch onto my arm for grim death.

If indeed he does arrive and decides to come over, the grilling is ALL yours, girls! :)

And that is about the size and the shape of it.

Off to try and pretend I care about a whole lot of things at work, when I really, REALLY don't.

11 November 2006

Notice of Intention

Wifey, Sister - thank you for lending me your ears this afternoon.

It is incredibly important to me that you both heard what I decided today because you two have seen me reach my dreams (a visa) and seen it taken away from me the next day. In London you met the Max that was living the life she wanted, you saw me free and powerful and able to reach my almost impossible goals through sheer will and work.

I was re-reading my diary the other day and I found an entry where I recorded that you, Sister, told me in no uncertain terms that you just knew I was going to get a visa. And you were right, so right.

And Wifey, I cannot adequately describe the pleasure your marriage to your husband brings to me, that night you two first met was such an extraordinary meeting of otherwise separate people that resulted in something beautiful. That I was able to start off such a string of events is an incredible treasure in my heart.

In an extraordinary convergence of fate I have in my sight exactly what I want in life, and I am going to take it, no faltering, no mistakes.

And I will be inspired by my wifey and my sister as I reach out because I know that the person you know is capable of anything she puts her mind to.

On a lighter note, my GOD the boy is incredibly hot! :) On Monday he came in to see me and as he left he thought of something else he needed to say and came running back up the corridor towards me. Seeing that incredible body moving towards me at that loping footballer's run was truly an awesome sight! *grin* Sometimes I wonder how I could have POSSIBLY been good enough to be rewarded with him. I think some forms got mixed up in the Man Allocation Office ...

Not that I am complaining!

much distracted love

11 November 2005

M

Hey there. Here we go.

Your quick-she's-back-let's-get-her-hitched story gave me a chuckle.

a) because I'm distanced from it and
b) cos I know you'll be able to handle it, even if you're finding it difficult at times.

Those new guys sound pretty nice. I'm waiting for more info, when you're ready to tell me.

I've been going close to my limits most days recently. Work-wise, business-wise and personally. I've been doing daily goal setting and as such I'm seeing continual improvement just happen, almost by magic.

On the weekend I went to a painting and tarot workshop. I found it interesting. (who'd have thought *I'd* say that hey?) Basically we pulled a tarot card and that was our theme. We then started fingerpainting on huge 2x2 meter pages and then used those paintings to see what comes up.

[excised for privacy purposes]

Jesus! 11 massive paragraphs about women. Not how I intended this email, but the raw truth of what's going on in me *right now*.

I'm also seeing my businesses grow. More on that later - I have a singing lesson to go to, and a teacher to convert into a friend.

MAX

That was a bit epic, but I think you know what you are doing.

To me, she sounds Great, and Great is wonderful as long as you don't hurt Great when Perfect comes along. Great is the kind of person you want to make sure you look after, be very truthful with and Great is the partner you want to treat with the utmost respect when you leave her, because Great can also be the kind of ex-Great that you can be proud of.

As soon as you are treating her as less than Great you leave her because she is also the kind of person you don't want to mistreat, it is bad karma. If you start treating Great people badly, it can lead to nasty habits etc.

So I reckon bear those three things in mind, treat her well while you have her, treat her VERY well when you leave and leave as soon as you know you are not treating her as you should. Hopefully, when you find Perfect you will never need to keep those three things in mind!

And why am I saying THIS instead of the myriad of things I could say? Because I met my first ever boyfriend (before my best boyfriend, you would have met him at my Halloween Party) for lunch on Tuesday and was forcefully reminded that I have only gone out with men that I can be very proud of, that he and I are utterly perfect for each other bar the sexual chemistry, and that two of my three were Great in intellect and personality but only one of my three was Great in love. Thank god I treated them all as outlined above eh? While mistakes were made, at least I came out of it with three ex-Greats.

I wonder if the next Great will be along soon, or if it will be my Perfect.

And as for your questions about HOW, well, let's just agree that we will never know, all we can do is hope and treat everyone in the manner that you would like to effortlessly treat your Perfect, because then you will not miss your Perfect when she comes along.

M

Very true.

Your point about treating them as you should, or as with Perfect you will automatically do, rang loudly for me … and then you've also added to it. About doing things effortlessly, I'd been thinking that, but saw that seeing as that wasn't the case, it was an indication that she wasn't Perfect, therefore bad. You've given me words that changed this from a bad thing to a good thing. Nice work Bell.

Oh and I spoke with my singing teacher, and told her I'd be better with her as a friend, and she's ok with that. In fact it made things easier between us - probably tantamount to how we were both unconsciously putting pressure on ourselves with a relationship.

Sex, lust, romance, love. Such big things that affect us deeply to our core of who we are - and come from our core ...

10 November 2010

Max thinks Dean will be happy to know that she has been having a really good week with the Chocolate Military ...

Dean: i hope this isn't what i think it is … or that is IS … details! (and PHOTOS) :) :) :) <3 <3 <3 xxox

Max: hahahaha, no, not as good as one would hope, but pleasant nevertheless! I just had to mention it seeing as the expression charmed me by itself, and when I was chatting to the lovely 'Soldiers' in question, it was just so perfect

Dean: ahahaahhaahahahahah
sweet kimchee pickles, i hope u didn't call them that. to their (sweet, chocolatey) faces

Max: No, worse! I was letting my mouth go on automatic as my brain was chanting 'don't call them chocolate military, don't call them anything silly, keep your eyes up.' It is a blessing and a curse that my brain and my mouth are so seldom actually connected to each other ...

Dean: AHAHAHA
"keep your eyes up"
hahaahhahahaaaahahahahahahaha
<3 <3 <3

Max: see, I am really good at eye-contact and just sharpening the old peripheral vision ... professional, you may say :)

Dean: i fcking LOVE it !!! hahaha!!
if only they taught us these life skills in school

Max: Methinks there is no learning of these skills darls, one is born with them or not at all! It is a skill I got from my Mum actually ...

Dean: all i got from my mum was a really fast walk :(

Dean: that sounds harsh. there are other things i scored too - but nothing of the "eyes above waist" skillset

Max: perhaps I will run a residential weekend, which will be spent on the beach sans sunglasses to teach these essential skills ...

Max: Also, dude, eyes above NECK! *tsk* see, that's where you are going wrong ...

Dean: AHAHAHAHAHA
my bad, my bad. what an amateur. Hahahahaha

9 November 2007

*lol* AAAANNNNDDD I'm pretty sure it would take a minor miracle on my behalf to become taller, skinner, have bigger boobs, leopard print top, super tan and REALLY straight black hair! :P

I've seen him out and about and the girls he is with *shakes head* no, I think I shall forever be grinning lasciviously at him from a distance ... although my mother does like him! :)

Goddess Max knows her audience! Goddess Max goes to out on Saturdays and has to fend off 22-year-old emos ... my Saturday night at Amps was hilarious, nearly giving myself a heart attack when I tried to get rid of the 22-year-olds by saying I was closer to 27 than 26.

ARGH! When did I get this OLD? :) On the other hand, toyboys are so in right now and I just need to get over the stigma of snogging around my sister’s age ...

No, indeed, more horrifying things to do with boys have overtaken me since him, making him merely the start of a rather horrid pattern of six useless men, the last two I was able to spot a mile away and avoid neatly because I can now see them coming.

Ah, what can I say? I hope I have quashed all apparent attractions I may have for men who wish to muck around. Yes indeed. Those 22-year-olds are getting the 'settling down' vibe off me big time methinks.

8 November 2015

From: MAX
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014
To: vf@hotmail.com
Subject: Attractive

There you are then said Hermione in a superior tone They see the Grim and die of fright
you've one private email from buddy
Click here to view email

<vf@hotmail.com>
Fri, Aug 1, 2014
to MAX
RE: Attractive

This address does not accept emails from malicious and discontent spinsters.

MAX
Fri, Aug 1, 2014
to VF
So glad you saw it was a virus!

Hi V

I was watching the emails leave my sent mail in horror, so glad you knew it was a virus - why they are using Hermione as a quote is beyond me :(

Did you enjoy the IAS lecture I saw you at?

Max

MAX
Fri, Aug 1, 2014, 4:14 PM
to person whose email I opened to get the virus
The one TOTALLY AWESOME thing that came out of the hacking

OMG, you have to see what happened from that spam email debacle!!

The girl below was super close friends with me for four weeks in 2010, then she disappeared from the face of the earth.

THEN I got the reply below to the spam ...

Now, she is either making a joke about the quote from Hermione, which wouldn't make a lot of sense ... or ...

SHE IS THROWING SHADE AT ME!!

And it delights me because I still don't know what happened for her to disappear, but obviously it is something I said about boyfriends (neither of us had one at the time, not that it mattered)

AND, she thinks she has insulted me, when she has actually complimented me. And backhand insulted herself by inferring that relationship status is something so important to her that it is open to insult.

MAX
"This address does not accept emails from malicious and discontent spinsters."
Nov 4, 2015
to VF

V - I just wanted to thank you for your excellent reply to this spam email!

The comment has gone on to become a rather fabulous story, and been used to elicit much amusement from my friends.

I have included some screenshots of its starring role in some jokes.

I hope you are having a wonderful day

Max

VF
Sun, Nov 8, 2015
to MAX

Wel it captured the spirit of the intended receipt well, obviously. Otherwise instead it would have to be worded that this email address doesn't accept spam from discontent women who do everything within their power to break up relationships and make accusations that have far-reaching consequences.

Obviously, your actions speak louder than words ever will and the fact you've had to reply nearly a year later proves a case in point to your unhappy life. Now, do fuck off.

MAX
Sun, Nov 8, 2015
to VF

V - have you mistaken me for someone else who actually knew you?

I can't imagine how I could have so much power in your life in less than a handful of meetings and no contact in five years. You literally didn't know me at all then and don't know me since … so why all this anger?

Have you talked to someone about this displacement of your own problems onto complete strangers from the past? It seems not conducive for your own ability to stay happy or healthy.

I hope you are able to find some peace with yourself, because I cannot imagine how your response to my clearly spam email after five years of no contact, and such a quick acquaintance of almost no depth, was warranted.

Although your response was turned to good use, and I have let you know that it continues to live on, so thank you, again, for excellent material!

hacked hacked <vf@hotmail.com>
Sun, Nov 8, 2015
to MAX

Claire, the question is why are you contacting someone whom you don't know and only met a handful of times from five years ago? Very odd and quite honestly  disturbing, hence the fuck off.

MAX
Nov 8, 2015
to hacked

Ah, but I didn't contact you, my love, you contacted me over a spam email.

I do have to ask though, what did I say that has such a strong hold over you after so long?

VF
Mon, Nov 9, 2015
to MAX
Re: "This address does not accept emails from malicious and discontent spinsters who attempt to subvert their palpable rage and indignation by continually harassing people they don't know. In such circumstances may one suggest online dating, perhaps?"

MAX
Mon, Nov 9, 2015, 7:53 AM
to VF
Now I think we are getting to the crux of the matter

V

This is very, very intriguing.

All I remember of our last meeting is that we discussed a man I didn't know in passing.

You presented all the pertinent details, and going on the fact that those were the details you told me (since I didn't know the dude), I put forward an opinion based on the facts you told me.

I don't remember the dude, the details or the opinion, I just know I never saw you again.

Until your reply to my spam email, I just assumed we had parted because of natural causes - I remember seeing you at UWA and saying hello because I was happy to see you.

The thing I found most intriguing about your reply to the email is that since you knew me for such a short time, and had not witnessed my life since then, your reply told me more about you than me.

You decided that you wanted to tell me the worst about myself, but you revealed what you hated most about yourself. You don't know my life now, so how could you craft a real insult?

Instead you crafted a really awesome sentence that was about you and some need you have for confession and cleansing.

Now, your replies have been REALLY clear that this is about men, partnerships and some kind of trust issues.

So, some questions:

1. Considering I didn't know the guy talked about, or any of your male friends, how did I affect them in regards to you?

2. Have I subsequently been involved with one of your male friends or partners since? If so, I did not know that they were your partner or friend.

3. If I have been involved with your partner, I can assure you that he was cheating on you, as all my partners are explicitly told I don't sleep with other women's partners unless that partner is with us.

I understand the pain of not having a monogamous male partner when you want one, I see it in my friends all the time, and I wish you well in finding what you want.

Essentially, why I loved your reply, and used it to great comic effect, is because being called a spinster is a great compliment to me, as I have always been and will alway be a spinster.

I am also non-monogamous, heteroflexible and I have a very well ordered and fulfilling sexual life that helps keep my successful writing career on track.

If the well-ordered sex life has hurt you unwittingly on my behalf I do apologise, but I try very hard to screen for cheaters.

All the best with everything going forward.

Max, spinster of the parish (it's a feature, not a bug!)

8 November 2006

THIS is how you do an Engineering Class ...

FRITZ

trollop! you have them eating out of your hand.

I was thinking of you two nights ago actually. I was watching the mummy, and realised finally who Rachael Weisz reminded me of ;-)

MAX

I prefer strumpet or lusty wench thanks. Well, that night I felt a lot like you must have felt when you first met me all those years ago - older, wiser, and so not going there!

Ooooooh, pretty compliment, that I will take with pleasure, thank you, sir. My favourite sayings of hers are:

I bet you're thinking, what's a place like me doing in a girl like this?

and

I'm a Librarian!

What a girl.

Yes, very pretty compliment - cheers.

FRITZ

how do you know when I met you I was "so not going there"? The presumption.

oh the presumption. maybe I thought I never stood a chance and was just protecting myself from rejection by not even trying.

;-P

Yes, she's quite a hottie. You two have the same smile and some similar mannerisms. you're welcome.

MAX

As if life COULDN'T get any more complicated - I went down Hampden Road today and I just *knew* I would see Fritz, because lately everything I expect to happen, bloody happens.

So, there he was. There we stood. There we chatted. I promised to send him an email - I sent him one with an attachment of photos of me and, oh, fifteen young men - that was the bottom email.

The rest is my direct statement technique trying to get out of him what he is after.

Yes, just when I needed the quiet.

Oh, and if that is not enough, I can feel in my BONES that An Old Crush will be wanting to catch up before he goes on the 16th. Friggin' bloody boys

CHE

I just had Jimbo get a bit hot under the collar. Fortunately, he calmed down faced with my implacable ignorance of it.

Me is confused. Did you two ever get it on? was it ever acknowledged/talked about? I haven't seen a Rachael movie, I couldn't say whether he tells the truth.

MAX

Oh, Bugger. I hate it when bosses get angry. Glad you sorted it out though.

Oh, since about 3 months after we met after he told me he knew I liked him and he would never go out with me, there was no further discussion and I dealt with it.

When I got home from London he pulled serious moves on me and I played it blissfully ignorant as if it was all the same as when I left.

He is escalating, he gets physically close - showing me martial arts 'moves' that require some serious groping, when I went to his gig he would get off the stage and sing to me (you should have seen the crusty groupies hate THAT move). And the compliments have been VERY, VERY prolific, even Elbow raises her eyebrows at them.

He is getting frustrated that I am taking his word of 2002 and not trying again. Men are SO predictable.

It's a pity that not trying again because ‘I know that he will be bad for me’ is interpreted now as playing hard to get. Sometimes 32-year-olds cannot keep their mind off jailbait I suppose.

My life is pathetically exciting at the moment. It's like old times, except with a more exhausted Max trying to get off the merry-go-round, but she just can't help herself.

MAX

And for the last five months I have been VERY careful not to let three men at ADI know how close I work to them - Carl, Fritz and Richard. For very good reasons - I can't have the past problems start up because it makes sense for us to meet up for lunch again. I just can't handle it, I really can't.

But I can feel the crash coming, I can feel that there is going to be something that will make life horrendously interesting very near in the future. I can just FEEL karma lining me up for interesting times.

And the weirdest thing is, I have been feeling it for the last two months and each time I expect an escalation, it arrives, and it arrives in style. It is like finally, I have enough experience to feel the currents that lie under the smooth surface of my social web in Perth. It is such a strange feeling, but I am glad I can see it for what it is, at least I have some warning this time.

I dunno, right now I feel a lot like I did when I first got back, that this town will crush me with the weight of the expectations of the people who know me. And no matter how reclusive I have been, even my much-reduced circle of friends is becoming problematic.

You should see the boys when they came in today to see me in dribs and drabs for the first time since last Wednesday - they all knew that I had seen them having a lot of fun - and MAN did they look sheepish. It was VERY, very amusing. Goran was in too, but he was with a group so I couldn't be especially nice to him because it would have been too obvious. But the more I hear about him, the more I wish I had turned him down with more grace than I did.

I have a lot to learn I guess.

Anyway, I am not sure I could pack ANY more adventures into today, but you know, there are still a few more hours before I go to bed. I dunno, I could still run into someone mortifyingly connected to me and top it all off nicely.

Actually, I make a bet now that before tomorrow morning there will be a long email in my inbox from Morgan, because Gidget and I have had some FASCINATING emails and chats today. She read my blog and was very impressed ... I REALLY do like her! :p

*blerg* that is me done for today - over-excited really.

MAX

Anyway, I am not sure I could pack ANY more adventures into today, but you know, there are still a few more hours before I go to bed. I dunno, I could still run into someone mortifyingly connected to me and top it all off nicely.

Yup, prophetic words. Stayed in the office until 9 and rang Elbow and was sending her photos of last Wednesday when she suddenly recognised one of the boys draped over me! It was a classmate of Timbon AND he used to go to Mass at the Cathedral each Sunday with us for years ... I am really quite entertained ... I knew he was vaguely familiar, it's just the last time I saw him he was about 15.

It is pretty mortifying now to see the photo of him kissing my cheek and to re-read the cheeky emails we have been exchanging since Wednesday (all above board needless to say, but certainly cheeky) and think that we are VERY old acquaintances. A brilliantly embarrassing end to an incredibly Perth day.

8 November 2004

This weekend I went to Paris again to help a friend celebrate her birthday and because her boyfriend was in America and there was a free bed. It was so nice to be back in such a short time – seeing her again, drinking on Rue du Lappe for two nights in a row, travelling metro lines that were now familiar and seeing the roofs, spires and statues that were so fresh last visit and seem homely the second time.

The visit was perhaps slightly better than the first one as I was not sick, I knew the ropes and I got to talk to and party with young people that knew Paris better than I did. Her friends were mostly English with a smattering of Vietnamese, Canadians Germans and Greeks, and they were all there for placements in their University language degrees. This was great, not only for the fact I again had translators for more effortless communication, but the company was well travelled and very intelligent.

On Friday we went to Versailles, spending an hour in the State Apartments and three hours in the gardens. The gardens were quite an adventure as we meandered in circles trying to see most the vast grounds. We spent an inordinate amount of time in the Queen's Hamlet – a custom-built village in the grounds with fantastically quaint houses, canals, bridges, vegetable gardens and fields. It was basically a full-scale dolls village and we were so enchanted we made grand plans to rent it out and have a dress-up weekend party. We miscalculated the time somewhat and had to head back across half the garden in the dusk and settling dark, which was a cold and dark journey that rewarded us with the spectacular sight of the palace illuminated for the night.

On Saturday we went shopping. Or rather I went shopping. There is only one purchase I can confirm and that was the completion of my holy mission for both my trips to Paris – the purchase of the ultimate pair of black boots. Photo attached. Aren't they LUVVERLY?

Saturday night was her party and we went out to a superb and fantastically cheap meal and then out to their local, Rue du Lappe for late-night drinks. We ended up in a funky, red velvet upholstered bar with a bar whose lights hung under lampshades of cymbals that were set swaying and chiming by bartenders with drumsticks. True to form, when in another country all together I was chatted up by a rather cute Irishman. Can't escape 'em.

Sunday all the Parisien attractions and museums were free, so we went to Musee D'Orsay and due to limited time we decided on the Impressionists and the Art Nouveau galleries. I got to stand in front of glowing Renoirs, halcyon Monets and walls covered in vibrant Toulouse-Lautrec sketches. The Art Nouveau galleries were filled with gorgeous furniture that was so gracefully shaped it looked more grown from than carved from the wood.

7 November 2008

the long reach of barack obama

hey,

as all of you know, i'm not really the one for mass emails, but today was too good not to share:

north atlantic council sat today in a special session to meet, for the first time ever, the secretary-general of the arab league, amr moussa began his speech by announcing that, as far as he is concerned, the 21st century started yesterday, then spoke eloquently about 'change', and finally looked around the room and said: 'because i indeed do believe that yes, we can'.

an arab diplomat taking the message of the future black president of the united states to nato - so unreal it almost makes me afraid that i'll wake up tomorrow morning and sarah palin will be in the white house.

to everyone i haven't been in touch with lately (which means pretty much everyone), i'm very sorry and i'll try to do something about it soon ... I haven't forgotten you, just got a bit overwhelmed with organising exhibitions of military technology on one hand and on the other trying to convince the registry b*****s that letting me own a floppy disk would not constitute breach of security...
i hope life is treating you well,
love

6 November 2014

I like to hear that people who have lived their own lives are able to find partners who have done similarly to spend lots of time with.

I like to hear that women who have lived their own lives are able to find partners who have done similarly to spend lots of time with.

It is confusing when I hear that women who have lived their own lives are suddenly invisible because of the job their partner has.

Many thanks to a Human Rights Lawyer and a Theatre Director (whom I don't actually know, but have read much about) for demonstrating this phenomenon this year.

Rhys: What phenomenon? Have read and Reread and see they have changed people with woman but don't see what the phenomenon is.
Max: Ah, Rhys, people are teasing me by forwarding articles about a certain engagement, but I am noticing a trend in how the articles about the engagement are written.
The articles about this engagement between two English Theatre Luvvies focuses on the fame of the actor, instead of the cross-disciplinary talent and hard work of the director.
It reminds me of the Human Rights lawyer who married an actor this year, and because of his fame her dresses become the story, not her successes.
Rhys: All the articles I have read have talked about her credentials as well as his (lol my articles are in ok magazine). I thought u were quoting something
Max: Do any of the articles have the following heading? I am trying to find one ... please let there be one ...
Sophie Hunter and Benedict Cumberbatch announce Engagement.
Rhys: I will have a look in my recent mag and let you know.
Max: This shit makes me so tired. This single article that lists Sophie Hunter first is still found wanting in the 'be respectful to Sophie Hunter, her life is not of interest now simply for who she is engaged to' areas, but at least they write about her at the start of some of the sentences, you know, as if she is a subject, not an object.
Language is so important.
Max: THIS is going some way towards correct reporting
Sophie Hunter And Benedict Cumberbatch Announce Engagement Through Classified Ad

5 November 2013

Child Max is going on school camp tomorrow, and you know what happens to children on the night before school camp right?

Cousin (Formerly Unknown): They get tied up and spanked?

Max: Usually they can't sleep from excitement, get sick and can't go to camp for the first day, thus missing out on all the other campers getting bunks next to friends so when you turn up the second day the bunk you get is next to people who just don't like you and the week is spent composing parody songs like …

Hello Mummo, Hello Daddo
Here I am at Camp Sorrento
I am tired, I am sleepy
And a girl in my dorm is quite sickie

Tuesday Arvo Mrs Harvo
Went iceskating, oh bravo!
What a pity we did see
Those people skinny dipping in the sea

Year Eight Camp, Sorrento, 1994

Cousin (Formerly Unknown): What kind of childhood did YOU have?
Max: Hahahaha, not one as ... restrained ... as yours, clearly ...
Cousin (Formerly Unknown): I didn't say anyone ever smacked me

5 November 2012

FAWKES

Today I came to the realisation that I'm being played in a game without even knowing that the game ever existed.

It's been brought to my attention that I'm not playing the game as I'm expected to. I'm not responding to the body language, word choice and manipulation as I should. The game is founded on reverse psychology and manipulation, and I'm reacting to the game in a literal, logical and straight forward manner. Unknown to me, I've challenged the game, and therefore the game has intensified.

Today I was introduced to the game rule book and, therefore, today I commence learning about the game. My intention is not to play the game but to know when the game is being played on me. My intention is to expose the game and to bring the game to a close.

WRIGHT

Today I watched realisation spread across the face of a woman in a relationship, a realisation that came from one simple idea. The Game is alive and well in my life, and in hers. It is not being run somewhere else in the world, written about in hip magazines and happening to other women. It was being used to manipulate a woman I actually knew.

So I went to find a copy of The Game, a book I had only read about. After a cursory glance at the Self-Help section in my favourite bookshop, I was forced to ask for its location.

The owner took me to the Sex/Erotica Section (Under Gay/Lesbian and right next to the only real Porn in the shop) and felt obliged to explain:

"We put it in the Erotica section because 9 out of 10 people who buy it are men. And they do not go to the Self Help/Relationship section for something like this. So we put it here, with the rest of the books on sex."

I must have looked so shocked he actually repeated himself, to make sure I understood.

When I bought the book he very kindly wrapped it in brown paper, as if it was real porn. You know the kind - exploitative, destructive and misogynist. I think he knows something, something that I am about to find out for myself.