22 June 2008

From the diary, Yallingup:
Last night I finished North and South and went out to the beach and cried. I cried for my self-indulgence, I cried for my lack of self-control, I cried because I have no reason to cry at all, and I must remember that above all else. I looked at the dunes, at the waves, at the stars and I knew that I may be small and brief in this life, but all the light of the stars meets only in my eyes, no matter who else looks at them, and my life is wonderous because I am so glad to be living it, in my own good company.


The sea is silver, and is leaching out the colour of the sky. The wind is like a gale around the house, making up for the days of calm. This has been one of the best holidays ever, because I cannot be sad to go home. My mind is so rested it cannot conceive of not always being so.


I long to go adventuring again because I have an excuse to be alone in spectacular places again. To bring out the twin of this journal and mark the pages with this pen. To record my own life, in my own terms, while walking down streets that are mine because I see them, know them and love them. Streets that will be British, or Irish, or Scots, but part of me nevertheless. I get such extraordinary shots of desire for the UK at the strangest times, when my mind wails that I cannot see with my eyes, only my heart.


But as I told Yallingup beach last night, I will be gone faster than either of us can suppose, and there is sure to be adventure in the meantime. And when I am gone, there will be times when my body will seek to be right here with a longing that will be fit to burst my heart. At least I have such a place to love, to share, to return to as I grow up.


I must retain this ease and self-care through the next through months … I must stand strong and keep the thought of the midnight beach long in my mind.


On the drive home Camera One came on, and I seized upon the lyrics ‘You’re playing you now’ And that is the answer to this entire situation. I need to be me, not me ‘playing’ either me or what people think I should be, I should be doing things my way.


And once home I got into bed and reached down to read one of my journals from London. It was was the 2005 one and at one point in a rant about how much I didn’t want to go home, I observed that I am always so reliant on my own good humour, interest and ability to entertain myself.


I have a lot of strengths.